Image source: mysticmamma.com- if you like horoscopes and my picture of Jim Morrison, you’ll love it there.
Week 10 of the Artist’s Way. I have no idea how I’ve managed to not miss one day of my morning pages, but so much has come from them.
This week was tough, I was faced (high fived in the face actually) with a work situation that took me down a few notches.
What I took from this week is that my worth as a person does not reside in my professional successes, it does not reside in any success or failure at all. And it’s actually completely independent of what happens around me.
That may sound really obvious to lots of you, but as someone who has been trying to fix the wrong that she’s felt inside since she can remember feeling, it’s an epic discovery.
For as long as I can remember, my worth has come from what others think of me. Strangers, dudes at bars, my friends, my clients…if I was good by them, i was good by me. By the time I turned 17, I had grown disconnected from my parents and held onto enormous shame about how greatly I continued to disappoint them, so it felt normal to lose myself in a great night out. Black outs and mysterious bruising was a side effect of supreme party nights. A dangerous rope I walked, in heels, where my sense of self grew and shrunk as night turned to day and I was forced to fill in the blanks of who I was when I wasn’t the party girl, and what had happened the night before.
So imagine like 10 years of that and then you’re being thrown to the lions of motherhood, without even a year of reflection or healing. From hot tub to breastfeeding in less than a year… That road will not be smooth.
And so. What is the lesson in today’s meandering memoir? That it’s easy to displace your worth. It’s easy to transition from one addiction to another, to fix yourself by any means you can find. Exercise, cocaine, co-dependency, workaholism… They are all fire escapes, some safer than others, but they all lead you away. Somewhere other than Here. Sometime other than Now.
On the cusp of a birthday weekend, my worth is not solely in the hands of others. It’s creeping back to me as I do the work. Part of that work is writing. Part of that is painting. Part of it is setting up boundaries. Part of it is recognizing what you need. Part of it is being ok with disappointing other people.
I have been working on a new home. It’s not finished yet, but I thought I’d share the first post. It will be awhile before I migrate this home here to there, but I thought you might like to check it out and see if you want to hang out there with me.