Ok, so if I’m going to be honest… My last post made me want to barf a little. How to stay organized in transition times? I wish I was that person. Truth be told, we don’t know where we’re going to be when that life bomb hits. Yes, let’s be prepared, but let’s not freak out, k? K.
I realize that this place reads like a crazy, confused contradiction… One post saying DO MORE and the next saying DO LESS, but bear with me. Somewhere, someday, I will straddle the in between space between LESS and MORE with a little more ease, and will be able to report back with a bit more clarity.
In the meantime….
This past bit has been a period of overdrive for me.
Look at THIS-listen to THAT-ooooooooh PRETTY-SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT IM LAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE AGAIN GOTTA DO THIS, OOOOOH THAT WOULD BE GREAT, WHAT IF I DID THIS, I SHOULD DO THAT, YEAH I SHOULD REALLY DO THAT. OK TODAY I SHOULD…..
That’s essentially been the tape on repeat in my brain.
The good news is that the poisonous inner monologues have simmered down. The screaming hissy fits seem like a bad dream, and now I can write it out to make sense of it all.
There are a few things that helped me snap the elastic back. Before I get to those, I hit the wall on Monday. I started to think about how, no matter how hard I try, I come back to this place of frustration, cyclically. Every few months, I feel like nothing is working, all my efforts are for nothing and I’m out of breath for how hard I’m pushing up against the wall.
When you have an over active drive and a crazed ambition, you can manage to get a lot of stuff done. You try out new things, say yes all the time and the world can seem like an oyster, just waiting to reveal its glory to you. It’s like I’m the kid from the 6th Sense, except instead of seeing dead people, I see potential opportunities and good ideas everywhere.
It can be awesome.
And then it can be exhausting.
The cycle goes from being excited to bringing me back to a place of inadequacy, burnout and mental anguish over all the things I’m not doing or don’t have. That with each podscast I listen to, I add a checklist of new tasks and things I should be doing. It seems that in the last little while, I’ve been awake to the idea that the next big thing lies just outside my reach, and if I work just a little bit harder, it will reveal itself to me.
Yet, for weeks now, I’ve been solo parenting. Working my actually pretty great design job, all the while, I’ve been training the dog, forcing the chickens to love me again (WHY DON’T YOU SLEEP IN YOUR HEN HOUSE?!?!?!!?) and make sure the kittens stay alive. HELL, I’ve even started running again- I’m 8/8 days in a row Cara.. you would be proud!
Needless to say, that even in idle, I know I’m always in 6th gear. But it’s the only gear I know.
And it’s never enough.
Some of you may know that I’m hatching a new creative pursuit, that combines the design aspect of my current practice with my passion for retail and love of patterns, colors and art. The checklist is huge, and sometimes feels insurmountable and useless to try and attack, that failure awaits on the other side and that I shouldn’t even try. But then again, the nagging voice inside tells me to keep trying. This will be my third attempt at building something, that in my eyes, always leads to the same destination: a lifestyle brand.
I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but this idea is stuck in my heart and I refuse (for better or worst) to let it go.
And I, of course, have become obsessed with that plan.
It’s all I can think about all I can list about and most of my waking time is spent hatching out different product lines, marketing campaigns and thinking of music tracks for the vlog that I don’t have.
All the while, I’m busting myself in 5 trying to get the right client, paint the right flowers, get noticed, find that brilliant idea. I’m pushing too hard and ignoring the fact that whatever is around the corner, will be around the corner no matter how hard I work.
My output doesn’t necessarily have a direct correlation to my achievements.
That sometimes it’s not about working hard, it’s about working smart, chilling out just a bit and remember what matters most to me, in that moment. Advice and comfort that I can easily give to my beloved friends, but that is so hard for me to follow.
I’ve had big ambition my whole life, and I often wonder why, and ask myself if it’s worth the hustle. If finding myself in the place of inadequacy will pay off in the long run. And I honestly don’t know the answer. I still find myself in between two worlds- never really knowing which one I belong to. All the time I spend fretting over my ambitious ideas and lists, ironically, the beauty and simplicity of the life I’ve hustled to make happen disappears.
And I know I am not alone.
So where did I go wrong?
What am I doing wrong?
Nothing, it’s the doing that’s the problem.
Then what?? If we can’t solve the problem by doing MORE, then our whole system of values implodes, doesn’t it?
Sounds like we need to let things happen, sit with the discomfort of being wrong, having made that mistake Stop trying to fix everything. We need to value ease and not only TALK ABOUT IT, but implement it. We need to recognize that overdrive is inevitably followed by crash and that just because we CAN volunteer at school, go to thing after work, host the party between a meeting and take the dog/cat/child to the vet, doesn’t mean we SHOULD.
And so I share with you the newsletter that I read that made me really stop in my tracks. YES, it’s lame that the moment came in my email, but still. It comes from Yoga With Adriene who is schooling every other online business on how to use email marketing effectively:
Hello my friends!
How are you?
I hope this message reaches you in a moment where you are feeling good – but if not – might I remind you not to fret, my dear.
Try not to fret.
You know, that getting anxious about being anxious cycle?
I know you know.
Well, just say no.
Nothing is permanent and everything is constantly changing!
So, lean in and be patient. Soon you will find yourself singing to your dog and twerking alone as you brush your teeth.
Or, soon you will find the house you have been looking for.
Or, soon you will put on your bathing suit and for once in your precious life smile back and think – fuck, I’m awesome.
Hey, anything is possible.
But, for real, anything is possible!
Lately I have been trying to spawn conversations that really do inspire us to take in the full picture.
Work hard without being so hard on ourselves.
When we pay attention to the full spectrum of wellness we are able to live a happy and healthy life with less struggle. One that is both sustainable and reeks of joy. Dare I even say – purpose.
Mind and Body – and yes, you gotta have heart too.
Because, even though it can be a challenge to really see yourself for who you really are, it’s got to be the whole enchilada.
Otherwise, what is the point?
The good news is – it’s a practice. And regular practice brings you right to where you are supposed to be each day.
The catch – everything is constantly changing, nothing is permanent. (Literally, stay present and let that catch you each day.)
We work for strong bodies, healthy minds and mindful, compassionate hearts.
We work to stay in the moment, present with breath and take notice of sensation.
This is how we get “beach body ready” y’all.
Hard work does pay off.
Check yo’ mind, cultivate balance.
We must tend to it all, the whole enchilada, so you don’t get burnt out and more importantly, so that you can love and accept your true awesome unique self and rock who you really are.
This is also how problems get solved – but I’ll have to get into that later.
For now, just thinking about us walking around comfortable and confident in our own skin gives me goosebumps.
As our Yoga Camp teaches us, there is no point in a flat tummy if you are miserable and still looking in the mirror each day perplexed at who you see.
Find What Feels Good.
And eat enchiladas too. Recipe here from this weekend – as promised. http://yogawithadriene.com/spinach-zucchini-enchiladas/